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Jun. 8th, 2010

I Is A Professional...

Well at least according to San Diego Comic-Con 2010:

fm yates
Writer/ Director
Forever Wednesday

Dear Comic-Con Creative Professional Attendee,

Thank you for registering for Comic-Con International 2010: San Diego

This Is Too Cool!

Jun. 5th, 2010

A Story Goes With It

Well, I;m back home but i'm well aware of what's on most people's mind:

"Hey, ... How're you doing?"

"Mike, uh, WTF!?"

Uh, yeah, What The Hell, indeed, ( exclamation sanitized for the protection of 'the children')

1st, some background: I've been working 6 days a week since October, while it's not exactly a enormous group of hours, they do fall in such a way that made it pretty hard to see anyone, or get anything outside of making sure to get to work everyday, and take care of my Mom and Grandmom possible. Outside activities had to planned MONTHS in advance. Anything off the cuff was pretty much impossible.

I made a comment at the time it was imposed that it wasn't a good idea on my end. i made it known that i thought it would eventually burn me out. You, see by this time I KNEW my limits, and this six days a week was beyond them.But I rolled up my sleeves, gritted my teeth and off we went.

(Now, let me add something else here: I was ALWAYS late to work, in fact it was very odd for me to be on time and early was as likely as a sober Lindsey Lohan at Skybar. And once we moved to 6 days 'Michael Shall Always Be Late' became the 11th line on Moses' tablets.)

By April, I was in full 'Run N*&&$#,Run' mode. I was doing 'barflies' a show I had done the summer of 09 for the fringe festival that had been nominated for a'Barrymore Award' so we were performing it again. I had to be the only cast member who wasn't overjoyed at performing the show again.The job let me off to do the show, but because of the way things were set it was still a constant run. sometimes i went to work, caught the VERY last train I could to make showtime literally walking in 10 min before curtain. And in fact I had done the entire show from memory, improving through the new material onstage because with my work schedule as i said things had to penciled in MONTHS ahead of time. Well the 'barflies; rehearsals were made off the cuff and I couldn't attend ANY of the rehearsals for the April performances.

I also was working on 'Forever Wednesday' a web sit-com, I had penned and had been producing for the last year, doing a magazine interview, various photo shoots, rewriting scripts, and shooting the show, along with learning an editing program, from scratch. Sometimes my days went work, edit at night till I fell asleep next to the computer, work/show, and shoot the next day, go home edit and start the whole race over again.

Now needless to say this caused me ALOT of stress. But I have to say, it was kind of a double edged sword. The job, was stress, I now hated going there, I liked the customers and was a bit annoyed by some of my co/worker (something that i was sure i'd get over in time the being annoyed by my co/workers thing) But the job,I HATED.

'barflies' and 'Forever Wednesday' gave me stress also, but they were also pretty much the ONLY social interaction I had in my life, I really enjoyed doing them, and they were consistently the only things bringing a smile to my face and joy to my life so I wasn't giving them up for anything.

So in a nutshell, April: barflies + forever wednesday + work = no sleep, stress, & exhaustion on a planetary level. Fun Fact: the week before May 1st (free comic book day and the premiere of forever wednesday) went something like this:

Saturday April 24 final 'barflies' and cast party

Sunday April 25th shoot Forever wednesday, go home and make final tweeks on the 1st episode edit. and make the press release ready for the morning.

Monday 26th send out Press Release go to work.

Tuesday 27th work, find out magazine article has not listed the website itself, so go online and add web address to article and put a few more things on the unreleased facebook page.

Wednesday 28th work, get request from 'bleeding cool' comic website for FW trailer to use with story to run on the page that following day. Now 'bleeding cool' is one of the sites I REALLY wanted to be on so..
Wednesday 28th/Thursday 29th come home from work looking very tired, go and work into the night making a trailer for FW editing and finishing, make some suggestions for the website page, get about 2hrs of sleep'

Thursday 28th work, finish 1st episode.

Friday 30th work, upload episode, get ready for Saturday morning premiere, i had been thinking we'd tell everyone noon, to make sure if there were any glitches we'd have some breathing room, but with no warning it was set at 8am, so 8am it was.

May 1st premiere show, work Free Comic Book Day (which i was late to work for)Go to dinner with t. get home rather late,
Now once again tired or not, this person had been the 1st person I shown FW (City Square at the time,) she argued for a change in the series I didn't want and she had seen it through to the other side with me. I wanted to celebrate with her, I had planned this months ago, and it WAS going to happen, because if it didn't it would take months to get reschedule

So here we are in May,I'm exhausted. I get the 1st solid sleep I've had in weeks, and wake up with the sniffles. I figure 'hmm i've been running full tilt boogie for about 2 months my immune system is down and i've caught a cold. but it gets worse and moves into chest also. It hangs around, everything i eat starts to taste like cardboard. i still can't shake it, and with work almost everyday, i pretty much rely on cold medicine when i get ill and i don't treat this much different.

i'm not eating much, due to everything tasting bland, i've continued to cough and i now add nausea and vomiting to the mix.
It;s official I have the flu.
I'm still going to work because the flu isn't something that you get off work for, it just isn't.
I;m losing a lot of weight from the not eating, but when i do eat i just vomit, ahhh, *sigh*

So I'm drinking ensure, and vitamin water to supplement the diminished eating of real food.
I'm also having some difficulties in my personal life that kind of date back to March so i'm depressed.
my thinkings kind of off center from the depression but i'm trying to keep on target.

my weight loss begins to become very noticeable. meanwhile my mood is becoming much darker.
I'm having difficulty sleeping at night.
it official i'm cycling, i've most likely been in some beginning of my 'manic' stage during April with the shows and i'm now moving into 'depression' stage of my cycle, great.
I'm getting weak, climbing the stairs at the the train station leaves me winded.
My belt really doesn't fit me anymore.

A decision is made at my job to let a co/worker go. the only real reaction I have to it is 'Oh s&^%, I'm gonna have to work to closeout on Sat.'

Sunday, I have off, but it's really a weird day, i feel kind of 'removed' from everything. my mom goes to church, i make food for everybody. i eat a little pasta, but i feel very odd.

Monday, i wake up and cry for about an hour because i have to go to work.I remember that I haven't taken the trash cans in from out behind the garage, there I find a dead dog carcass in one.
That's it, I'm done, God almighty is throwing animal corpses out of the sky at me.
I decide not to go to work, I decide to tell no one where i'm going, i have no phone still (this dates back to a couple of months ago, when i wasn't able to get my check into a bank for close to 5 days, stemming from my paycheck coming late and the job deciding that telling me about it wasn't really that important, and trowing my budget into a death spiral)
So i go and see 'Shrek' and 'Iron Man', but for some reason i can only look at them from a mechanical point of view.
Also now the erratic behavior begins, I start walking behind the counters of restaurants and almost wawa, because i'm either untrusting when you take my card, or for some reason i feel i should be allowed to run the cash register

i go to work and show up after close to do the close out, why? By this time i'm not even sure, nothing really makes sense, they think i've been drinking, i've had two sips of a martini i left on a table along with 15.00, after i came behind the counter to retrieve my card, because i couldn't trust them with it.

'what's wrong with you, Mike?' they ask
I sit at a table and stare blankly ahead,

'i don't know, i say i really don't know...'

my co worker offers me a ride home, but i decline because frankly, cars don't make a lot of sense to me right now. i know i won't be controlling the vehicle, and it seems that getting in a vehicle that i can't control is dangerous, nope not going to do it, i leave.
I spend about an hour sitting across the street from the shop staring at it, trying to remember how the whole tues/wed new comic day thing works.
I'm confused about how the 'comics' arrive, i know they're usually there when i get there, and that i put them on the shelf and pull books, i just can't remember HOW.

(OK, time for another note here Michael and Booze. usually a party that goes on WAY longer than it should.
I am sure there are people who when they heard Michael's in the hospital and maybe, well this is it. blood poisoning/toxins = alcohol. this is it he's finally drank himself to death. hey it's not like it doesn't make ANY sense. when i cycle i drink, hell, when i don't cycle i drink.and i drink WELL, i drink booze like Evel Kenevel crashes motorcycles. and it's not like i hadn't hit the drink/depression stage. i was drinking, when i get REALLY depressed, i want to talk to someone, to anyone, and so i go to bars because when people are loose they'll talk to strangers in a heartbeat, like the black guy next to them who runs the comic shop across the street. and by now i was there, hell i was even faking interest in hockey and the flyers just to talk to people. BUT i know my limits, i'm alone so ONE, one beer,ONE.after that, lemonade. Hell I had stopped drinking during the month of April because between work/barflies/FW, i was beat, and having a couple and waking up bit hung over was not an option so, no drinking. the bartender at 'the grog' wanted to know what was going on with all the lemonade, i was scaring him. Barflies was done in a bar, we had a BAR people, and every night the cast would drink after, hell some during, me, coke and ginger ale, even at the cast party, you don't know how much it hurt, but hey there were more important things than drinking going on. Also i needed social interaction, my co workers have invited me out, but... i wan't to talk to someone DIFFERENT, i wan't to bitch about my job. so hanging out with someone i work with, isn't a option. i'm also going to reveal something here: If you ever get a call from me, out of the blue, seeing what you're up to TONIGHT, and uh, y'wanna go do something, maybe catch a bite, see a movie, i don't know just, hang... That's me ON THE ROPES, and lonely, i will not push it if you have something to do, in fact i will remind you that you are allowed to say 'no' to me, i always do and i always mean it. i will not tell you how desperate i am, because well by this time i feel pretty worthless, and i'm not going to waste anyones time)

so any way, Tuesday:
wake up, cry, post that i think i'm cracking up and kinda ask for help.
my friend b, calls and talks to me for a bit, after listening to my mood she says she'll being coming down to see me. she's going to take me out to eat and help me decide some things.
B really helps,she talks to me, she listens to me, she offers that if i'm not happy, if i'm feeling trapped, maybe just, maybe i should quit doing s job i really don't like anymore.

This is Crazy Talk.

B is NOT happy with the way i look, she gets me to shower and go out to dinner. Just being in the sunshine with B is doing a lot for me, i'm happy, i'm not anxious, We fix the lens in my glasses. We're off to South St. to eat, B wants me to eat so she's offered anything, and anyplace i want i pick La Fourno on South St. for pizza and pasta with tiger shrimp. I feel a bit dizzy, but figure it the flu with i still have in it's full glory which has added sudden leg cramps at to the symphony. We also decide on a game plan of the elimination of Saturday from my work schedule and a plan to leave the job in Aug.
We arrive at south st. and on a whim visit atomic city. I talk to some friends i haven't seen for a bit, and float an idea.i'm told the idea is possible. i'm not sure if this is good or bad, but it's possible, and possible means change is also possible, and right now i'm very interested in change. dinner is nice, but once again bland, i'm eating hot cardboard,i've only ordered the pizza, because i can't bring my self to possibly waste B's money, she assures me i could take it home, i decline and order the pizza. B orders the pasta with the shrimp. she gushes over it. So food still tastes good to everyone else *sigh*
We go home. earlier B and my Mom decide, i'm too exhausted to go to work and have called the shop and told them i will not be coming in that night.we return to my home, she tells me to call if i need to, she wants me to call some of my friends also. i go to bed, but cannot sleep.

Wednesday, i'm still exhausted, i'm still coughing and vomiting,
i also start crying again, i don't want the 1st thing i do when i get to work, to be explaining my actions on monday, i dread it, i know everyone thinks it's alcohol, but it isn't, it's burnout, the same burnout i warned about, it's here, bigger, uglier, and nastier than it's ever been, and i am so it's bitch.
so i call my co worker, what comes out is a long winding soliloquy of depression and anxiety, ending with me announcing i won't be coming back, i hang up. this surprises even me.
i call back and hurriedly give my home phone number,something i purposely hid before,(I just wanted to have one place in my life where the job could not touch me, they had the cell phone number, and they were now directly responsible for having it shut off, so when it was back on they'd have access again, it seemed fair to me at the time...) i hang up again.
it takes about an hour for me to realize what i've done.

i've quit my job.

The rest of the day gets a bit hazy, knowing what was really going on in makes more sense. I'm connived of the depression spike. I collect info and phone numbers to get psychiatric help. while my mom calls and sets up the appointments. the anxiety is full on, a phone call from my old therapist for some reason throws me into a panic and it takes everything i've got not to start vomiting as he talks to me helping me set things up for the next day.

i call my friend T, to ask her if she'll come see me, she says yes and i'm overjoyed.It's now hard to concentrate, i'm posting to lJ and to FB and it's causing me trouble, my thoughts are scattered and moving in all directions, but posting and Answering people is still HARD,very hard.(sometimes i have to repost due to misspelling and capitalization problems.)

i finally take my glasses off because it's easier to write with them off.
that's odd.
i mess around with the glasses and discover that somehow the prescription on my 2nd pair of glasses is reversed. and i've already lost the 1st pair, meanwhile this pair only works when they're on my face upside down. so some of my constant dizziness explained.But concentration is hard, very hard.
T comes over and i'm very happy, i want to go and look at the sky at the park with her, but 1st the glasses. At the optometrist it seems to be hard to grip both the lens and the frames out of my pocket, i keep forgetting which hand is holding which. They tell us it's going to take a day and should be ready tomorrow.

T asks me where i want to go, we can go anywhere she says. I decide i want to see my friends K & C. I think that K will be able to help me with my confusion, she just will.
Off to K & C. once again even though i've been there countless times, i'm announcing every bit of the drive so i can keep myself on track.
Once we're there i'm like a babbling brook, anxious and a bit confused. C tries his best to talk me down, reminding me that i have a plan even though i kinda threw the schedule out the window, K arrives home, she just needs to look at me to know that are not well in Denmark.She talks to me, we discuss my lack of sleep for the past few days, and decide that K will come with a plan and i will follow it. I think this is a great idea because K is very smart. I wait patiently as she goes to do a little research and come up with a plan.
K comes back and says we're going to the Bryn Mawr emergency room, they have a psychiatrist on call 24/7 who should be able to see me and give me something to sleep, (and probably can do something about the flu too, but i'm not even thinking about my sinuses right now) i agree and it's off to Bryn Mawr for all of us.

By the time we finally arrive at Bryn Mawr, I've changed my mind, i'm convinced the psychiatrist is going to look at me and decide i'm too crazy and nothing but lock up will do, so no, let's not do this lets go to wawa and get some lemonade. smartfood, and some smokes, and i'll just keep that appointment at the MCMH center tomorrow.
K & T (god bless 'em) are having none of it, they grab my wrists and start dragging. since i'm as strong as wet dollar store toilet paper they're winning. out of the corner of my eye i notice an ambulance guy walking toward us.
i have two friends J & J they're both have been and one is currently an ET workers, one is actually a Medic. i know what ET guys can do kiddies, i calm my ass down a bit, because i'm a bit concerned about the ET guy coming over and merely bouncing my ass into the ER.

So here we are in the Bryn ER.
I;m in a wheelchair talking to a lady through the glass
i'm getting a wrist band
i'm talking to the psychiatrist
they're shinning lights in my eyes and taking my temp.
a nurse comes in and asks for a blood sample
i have known this was coming and dreading it in the back of my mind my heart starts to race a bit, you see
i hate when the doctor gives you needles, they make me anxious to the verge of panic attacks, i will do ANYTHING to avoid a injection. When i worked south st, friends i had that owned resultants regularly gave their staffs free flu shots, and would offer them to me, i always declined.
so blood taken. *shutter*
it suddenly turns into weapon X/wolverine origins, i'm yanked onto my back and onto a bed,my shirt is yanked open and off, and suddenly there are a bunch of people all around me.
there's a little captain america thrown in for flavor, as contracts and release forms are hovered in front of me every so often, a pen put into my hand and i'm told to sign things.
(and i'm pretty sure the scribbles i made wouldn't stand up to any real scrutiny.)
people are shouting at me, i'm getting needles everywhere
K & T are assuring me that's it's a good thing and stay calm and my now, pants are being pulled off, it's saturday night and i'm on deck.

the needles get bigger.

there is lots of very loud and fast medical conversation going on around me, no one really comes out and says it, but more and more the recurring theme seems to be...
Holy S^(% ! how is this guy still alive?
the toxins in my blood are pretty high.
my bnu is 120 (that's pretty high, i'm basing this on the fact that over the end of my hospital stay people kept looking at my chart and saying 'oh you're THAT guy...')

Here;s what was going on.
My kidneys had shut down.
my bladder still worked, but my filters had more than likely shut down a week ago. I was very close to having a lunch date with my best friend Martin, and My dad. one slight problem, they're both dead.

over the next hours i get the 1st of my emergency dialysis treatments, i slowly slip away, i'm on the edge and disappear into the chaos.

and K & T had to watch it, they saved my life, but it wasn't a sure bet yet.
T spends almost 3 days, living in a chair, THREE DAYS.
can't ever thank her enough, she was my anchor, everytime i woke up through my 'Algernon stage' T was there. her bright smile, and familiar eyes assuring me everything was all right.
see i was 'gone' for awhile, and then i was at the best, about eight years old.

and they had to live through it, T, K, B,C, & J, along with my Mom. i can't even imagine how hard that was for them...
i remember when i started to come out of it and i saw J, he's a medic, i remember i thought..
ooh, that's not good.

but i came though it and made it back.
most likely because Martin King was standing in the doorway of the afterlife Bitch Slapping my ass back to the living world.
Thanks Marty.

after four/five days (look i really don't know i lost a day or two back then) i was moved out of ICU and into the regular cardiac wing.

So here's the skinny
i'm alive.
I'm now also a dialysis Patient.
i'm alive
I don't have diabetes
i'm alive.
I have high blood pressure,

I am alive, because I have friends. it's something i should remember more often.

to all my friends
thank you.
i love you.


P.S. i'm totally over my needles/injection anxiety, shots don't mean shit to me now. they're just like things that Sarah Palin says: annoying, painful, and over and out of my way rather quickly and now i can have a cookie.
Give Me My Cookie.

for K & T


May. 12th, 2010

Please Stand By

So many of you my be wondering why i kinda dropped off the face of the earth. well, i sort of burnt myself out again. This time to the concern of most of my relatives.

Right now, I'm trying to come back, but slowly.
There is a lot going on in my life, a lot of things.
Mostly good, but still a bit overwhelming.
For the next few months I'm more than likely going to be a bit distant. It's really for my own good.
It's not that i don't care, it's just a really don't have the emotional energy/stability right now.
I love you but, I need to concentrate on myself and my state of mind.

Please stand by.

May. 6th, 2010

Genius Is Pain!

May. 1st, 2010


Apr. 20th, 2010

Forever Wednesday

It's in widescreen, that's why it bleeds a bit to the side.

Apr. 12th, 2010

let's get this party started

Mar. 20th, 2010

One of the reasons I'm STILL a Liberal.

I've been dealing with these kinds of people since I was 6 years old.
the 1st one?
Was my 1st Grade Teacher...

Mar. 17th, 2010

Calm, before the storm.

Well, tomorrow's the cattle call, but I am done. Yes, while the rest of you sit in front of your screens tomorrow and watch a tiny rotating sphere, all the while chanting: 'no whammies, no whammies...'

I am done.

Hotel booked, San Diego, here I come.
now all i have to do is survive May 1st.
and June 1st. 7/6, and 8/3....

Mar. 7th, 2010

for Bunny


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